The TMJ Association - changing the face of TMJ

TMJ Resources - Our Family - Patient Talk

Betsy

Making Choices to Feel Better

Twelve years ago, I was building a high-powered career as a publishing executive, trying to ignore the intense TMJ symptoms my surgeon claimed should have been relieved by my wonderful new Proplast implants.

Six years ago, after my second set of Proplast implants, I was spending almost every hour of every day curled up on the couch, wondering how much longer I could stand what I considered an intolerable level of pain. My quality of life was so far removed from what anyone could call "living" that keeping the option of suicide open was the only thought that kept me from actually committing the act.

Today, much to my own amazement, I have never been happier, more content, fulfilled, optimistic, or stronger. How did I get from total despair, through years of depression, anger and bitterness, to feeling that I will prevail no matter what happens? I can answer that question in one word: Choice. I chose to recognize that even though I had no control over the circumstances that led to my suffering, I did have control over how I chose to respond to my situation.

I did not arrive at this emotional state quickly or easily. It took time, hard work, and a consuming desire to feel better-if not physically, then emotionally. What was helpful to me may be useless or even detrimental to someone else. Everyone is different and we each have to find out our own way. But a guidepost or a hint along the way can make the journey easier and more fruitful. I will share some aspects of what I went through in the hopes that I can help others who are also trying to reclaim their lives.

There are three factors that have been equally important in helping me to grow up and take control of my life. First, I learned to work through my emotions. Second, I let go of the tendency to blame everyone else, and I took responsibility for my own attitudes and feelings. Third, I learned to please myself before trying to please anyone else. I consequently developed a strength stubbornness, or "orneriness" (some might call it "bitchiness") that has seen me through situations that would have devastated me a few years ago.

Here are some concrete examples of things I have done and /or attitudes I have developed which have allowed me to lead a much more "normal" life than I did five years ago.

1. I let myself experience the "negative" emotions, like anger, bitterness, and depression as they occurred. Whatever you're feeling is real and important, so give yourself the privilege of paying attention to your feelings.

2. I took some action on my own behalf. This included writing letters and making phone calls about TMJ to my political representatives and to area media. I felt like I was helping others, and getting involved in something positive and productive.

3. I tried to accomplish three things every day. Even if it was nothing more than washing dishes or sorting socks, if I accomplished it I could tell myself, "See, I can to do a few things even though I'm in so much pain." Be careful not to mentally berate yourself if you don't get a goal accomplished one day--- just try and do it the next day.

4. Every day I look for something beautiful in my surroundings. Some days it would be the way the light filtered through the trees, or the patterns of clouds in the sky, or even a single fat robin puffing himself up and drying off in the sun after a rain shower. If you have had damage to your eyesight, as I have, you might want to concentrate on sounds in the environment, or listen to music or audio books.

5. I found something to laugh about every day. Now, when you're really depressed and in horrible pain, this one is especially tough. But there's a lot of truth to the old cliché. "You gotta laugh or else you're gonna cry." During those early months when I was desperately seeking something funny, I would write down one or two lines from TV show that I thought might be funny, or a joke that my husband assured me was hilarious. Humor is a learned response and skill, and now medical studies are actually showing that laughter is quantitatively, measurably beneficial to the immune system.

I know that these simple things are harder than heck to do when you feel like there is just no use in getting up, that your life can never be any different, and that pain will always rule your life. But once I forced myself to make the effort, these things became easier. And don't rule out professional or peer counseling if you just can't get "over the hump" after a few weeks, or if you are seriously considering ending your life. (I seriously considered it, but I guess I always have some tiny spark of hope deep down inside that things could get better, and I wanted to be around in case they did.)

Here are some other things I have found to be useful:

Don't waste your time and energy justifying yourself.

Don't expect even good friends, much less strangers, to ever be able to comprehend what we've been through and what we're going through.

Banish comparisons of all kinds. Comparisons that used to cripple me: My life prior to implant vs. my life after implant; my appearance prior to surgery vs. my appearance after surgery. You are who you are at this moment, and that's all that counts.

Count your blessings. This almost sounds like an insult to us all, but it helped me tremendously. Yes, I'm physically disabled and am in incredible pain, but I am healthier that a lot of other patients I talk to and hear of.

Do not let one bad day, week, or experience make you give up all hope for improvement. It's true that things can always get worse, and sometimes they do, and seem to remain that way for quite some time. But it's also true that over the long run, things tend to get better-maybe not every aspect of your life, but the human spirit seems to have a tremendous tendency toward seeking health (physical and emotional) if we'll only listen to it. Be gentle with yourself.

Develop an interest totally unrelated to TMJ or your physical condition, if possible. Find something-it doesn't matter what it is, as long as it brings you pleasure-that challenges, calms, excites, or relaxes you.

I am physically no better than I was twelve or six or two years ago. In fact, as so many of us are, I am getting worse at a speed which astonishes me. But I am alive right now, and I'm going to continue to do those things that make me happy, content, and satisfied. I am always pushing myself just a little bit further than I think I can possibly go because, chances are, I can do that little bit more. I will continue to search for the positive things in life, even if they hurt me physically in the short term. I will not take my life, my physical problems, or myself so seriously that they become the center of my existence.

Betsy (USA)

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